Environmental Crisis: Wilson's New Basketball is Actually a Rolled-Up Armadillo
We Call Foul!
CHICAGO—In early 2024, sporting equipment company Wilson took the world by storm when they announced a first-of-its-kind basketball called the Airless Gen1. Hailed as the world’s first airless basketball, it leverages cutting-edge 3D printing technology to create a basketball that never deflates and maintains a consistent bounce for its entire lifetime. Turns out, Wilson is lying to us. After a recent investigation by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), word leaked that Wilson’s Airless Gen1 basketballs are not basketballs at all, but rather rolled-up armadillos! That’s not quite the slam dunk we were promised.
“We demand a complete and total shutdown of production for the Airless Gen1,” PETA announced in a press release. “Wilson has crossed the line this time with their inhumane treatment of armadillos. Take it off the shelves, now!” On social media the hashtag #Notinourcourt rapidly spread and was shared seven million times.
Wilson’s legal team vehemently denied the accusations and responded by inviting PETA representatives to view their factories and see for themselves the complete lack of armadillos. The tension came to a head when famous WNBA player Caitlin Clark recently competed against the Seattle Storm and stepped up for a free throw. The basketball suddenly unrolled in her hands to reveal a little furry face and tail. Screaming, she dropped the ball, and the armadillo crawled into the crowd, completely terrified. “I have been taught to believe a lie,” Caitlin told the reporters at press time. “I promise to reject armadillo-based basketballs for their unethical treatment of animals. From this day on, I will only use basketballs made from skinned cows.”