Op-Ed: Rick Steves Visits Mordor
A Happy Little Jaunt to the Land of Shadow
BARAD-DUR—Hi, I’m Rick Steves, back with more of the best of Middle-Earth. You know, there’s an old saying, “Not all those who wander are lost” and after seeing these sweeping vistas and vibrant local cultures, I’m inclined to believe it. Today we are visiting the best of Mordor! Thanks for joining us.
To foreigners, Mordor might seem like a barren wasteland, riddled with fire and ash and dust, where the very air you breathe is a poison, but it also is home to some of the most charming little hamlets, bustling markets, and vibrant local cuisines. Normally the Tourism Agency of Mordor doesn’t allow Americans to visit, but they’ve made a special exception. Also known as the Land of Shadow, home to the Dark Lord Sauron who seeks domination over all life, Mordor is the perfect place for a family-friendly summer vacation with the kids. Although the sun never shines and despite the ongoing war against all free peoples, Mordor has a way of looking on the bright side.
We’ll start with a local guide in the bustling markets of Minas Morgul, also known as the house of lamentations where the souls of the forgotten are tormented for all eternity, take a hike up Mount Doom, now a UNESCO world heritage sight, and take a leap into the fiery chasm where the One Ring was forged. Along the way, we’ll taste smoked man-flesh, see the world's largest spiders (no flash photography please!), and stay at the world’s most quaint little bed and breakfast.
Like most cities in Mordor, Minas Morgul greets you with the stench of a thousand rotting corpses. A beautiful display of old Numenorean architecture, the tower looms over a moat with a historic bridge. It’s delightful architecture recalls the golden age of Mordor’s power. Minas Morgul is the cultural capital of Mordor, and that means good food is never more than a few steps away!
Today I am visiting the local market for a taste of the local cuisine, and I’ve hired a local guide Shagrat. Shagrat runs the popular blog “Mordor is My Muse” where he shares traditional family recipes, and on the side he runs a bed and breakfast.
At the thriving market, it is man-flesh season. Ask Shagrat a question about man-flesh, and you’re in for a lecture.
“Lots of people think orcs all eat man-flesh the same, but we’re not ah ehhhh…how do you say? A monolith,” he explains. “Orcs have ehhh…a diverse array of c-cultures and ways of preparing man-flesh. If you live near Durthang, you like to use more spices, but down here in the Morgul Vale we like more of a smoky taste.”
Shagrat gives me my first man-flesh on a stick from a brightly-colored booth.
“How old is this?” I ask.
“It’s very fresh catch,” Shagrat tells me. “Just caught the poor fellow this morning in a giant spider’s web.”
Looming over the square is the Tower of Dark Sorcery, where the Dark Lord’s most loyal servant, The Witch King of Angmar, tortures his enemies. It’s a time-honored local tradition here, just like the Running of the Bulls in Spain
Turns out, you can simply walk into Mordor! If you visit Mordor, be sure to bring your hiking shoes and an extra pair of socks, because you are going to need them. Today Shagrat is taking me on a mountainous hike up the hidden stairs. Flash photography is not allowed.
If you are traveling to Mordor, you should be sensitive to the local politics. Keep in mind that Mordor has a centuries-long rivalry with the nearby country Gondor, so be sure not to bring any pro-Gondor souvenirs.
Travel can expose people to new cultures and break open old prejudices. I always say, if you want to learn about your culture, go to another one! Then you will come back with a new understanding of your place in the world. Unfortunately, I don’t think there will be a return journey for me. I failed to venerate the Dark Lord Sauron and have been declared an enemy of the state. The authorities took me to a charming little cave, Barad Dur prison, and I am not sure you will hear from me again. Signing off with the Best of Middle Earth!